Poetry submitted by Joan on Friday, January 14, 2005 at 3:43PM :

The Year of Tears ~ February 23, 2000 - February 23, 2001

I woke up early this morning - I could no longer sleep
My thoughts are of you, our handsome boy - I begin to weep
Today is February twenty-third - Year Two-thousand-and-One
A year ago today you died - you were our only son

I slipped out of my bed to retreat to my rocker
No sense in waking up your sleeping father
First I stepped onto the porch to get some fresh air
My eyes turned to the sky as if you’d be there

It’s still very early yet and a low fog blocks the sun
Is it an omen - a sign of what this day will become
The gray mist drapes over the trees like a shroud
It validates my emotions today - it shall be allowed

I’m trying so hard to concentrate on your remarkable 35 years
Which ended in the Year 2000 we now call “The Year of Tears”
Only myself and your father comprehend and understand
The grief of losing our child even though you became a man

I miss you and feel so compelled to see and hug you today
After all it’s been a full year since you passed away
Twelve months we’ve lived with the missing you in grief
Slowly graduating to acceptance and even to some peace

Even so, the events of your suicide play back in my head
Beginning with your agony so horrifying best left unsaid
So my mother-heart is sending its spirit back to that day
To comfort your soul and hold your hand while you slip away

I cannot bear for you to be alone on your last walk in the snow
Your footprints walked to the road and turned back as if nowhere to go
Was it to take one last look around before bidding a final good-bye
To your beautiful Alaskan surroundings, the sun, moon, and sky

My mother-spirit is with you but it no longer demands every answer
It just wants to gently ease your painful passage to your chosen hereafter
So when you returned from your walk in the snow to lie down on your bed
My mother-spirit arms embraced you with love and tenderly cradled your head

But my mother-spirit quickly looked away as you picked up the gun
Because it was there to comfort you - not to witness what you’ve done
In a moment our mother and son spirits suddenly looked eye to eye
They hugged each other with love so tightly but did not say goodbye

Just as quickly your spirit left for eternity - mine returned to me
Yours is finally at peace – your soul is finally free to be
I believe it’s taking you everywhere you’ve ever wanted to go
To do the things you wanted to do with those you loved so

Please don’t be sorry that I sent my mother-spirit back in time
I could no longer live with your suffering that day plaguing my mind
I have to believe that I had the right for my spirit to be with you that night
Not to intervene in your passing, but to love and comfort you in your plight

You know I was always there for you in the past
My spirit had to be with you when your breath was your last
As it had been with you when your breath was your first
Yes, my tears flowed then too but for joy at your birth

This one year anniversary marks a significant turning point
When our weary souls and broken hearts begin to rejoin
They will continue to heal and may scab over each year
As we know from time to time that wounds will reappear

Some may think that giving permission to grieve is to wallow
But they know nothing about the path of endurance we follow
Only another grieving parent knows the pain of losing a child
Stacked in the grief path all your hopes and dreams are piled

Now we have to remove those hopes and dreams one at a time
Some are too heavy to lift - others fall stubbornly into line
We have to pack them away for eternity to join his spirit above
As they’re the unrealized hopes and dreams of the child we love

I’m sorry if this poem is very hard for you to read - it is for me too
But its nothing compared to “The Year of Tears” we’ve been through
Our daily lives have been back to normal for several months
But sometimes the grief comes back with an overpowering punch

We refuse to put our grief away forever up high on some shelf
To deny the pain and loneliness our broken hearts have felt
We chose to openly grieve over the loss of our cherished son
To not grieve for him would wrongly deny him our everlasting love

By Joan Watson

Written with tears in the morning of the first anniversary of his death, the day our hearts broke forever.
Until we’re all together again, rest in peace sweetheart! Love, Mom